Poag Mahone's

333 S. Wells
Chicago, IL 60604
(312) 566-9100

Poag Mahone's is an Irish pub-themed bar in the Loop at the corner of Wells and Van Buren, near the Harold Washington Library and Cal's, a much better bar. It's generally expensive and attracts traders. I'm boring myself just thinking about it, and thus, for a mini-burger, a mini-review, because I have next to nothing to say about these.

As CBP associate Eric Porges put it, "A slider is a subgenre, but a mini-burger is a gimmick," and that's what you've got here: small, unadorned beef patties, deeply charred, served on a kind of donut-hole shaped baguette.

They don't photograph well, but they taste fine. TOC dubbed them "the Bruce Springsteen of burgers" for being "unfussy, basic, rugged, and substantial," all of which are inarguably trademarks of the 57-year-old musician. Pogue Mahone's makes no effort to disguise their frozen crinkle fries as anything else, but they're redeemed by a nice mix of seasonings.

But as you can see, they come completely plain, just bread and bun, which is pretty disappointing. (How about some cherry tomato slices? Where are my mini-pickle sections? If you're going to do this, fucking do it, alright?) You might be able to get by with tabletop condiments if the cap of the mustard didn't look like this:

Come on; are you kidding?

Adam was so repulsed by this thing that he had to put it on the ground, under his chair, before he could finish eating.

It's pretty apparent that we're just skeptical of TOC's burger assessments, but Adam brought to light the news that venerable food critic Alan Richman had deemed Poag Mahone's regular burger one of his Twenty Hamburgers You Must Eat Before You Die. That's hype. Add to that this "Buger Eater's Bill of Rights" that appears on the menu:

So, who knows? We had to try the real deal. Adam had a basic hamburger, and a notable visiting artist and I both topped ours with grilled onions and bleu cheese. This is what I got:

Sunglasses is a must.

First of all, the pickle wasn't crisp, but it was a half-sour, which is a pretty rare thing to find outside of a deli. All of the other items on our Bill of Rights were not applicable, as we didn't order more fries, couldn't weigh the burger, didn't trust this place to eat rare ground beef, etc. The whole thing was fine, like a great on-the-grill burger made by a chef-friend. If you like char, this is a good burger for you. The whole experience was somewhat soured by a nearly $50 check for the three of us.